In Sickness and In Health
by TKR.87
Summary: Alex is sick but she's pushing everyone away and trying to cope alone. How can her friends make her see that asking for help doesn't change who she is? What happens when she falls in love and denies herself happiness? A/C pairing with strong A/O friendship. Rated M
1. Chapter 1

**This story will eventually be A/C but there is a heavy A/O friendship to begin with so don't let it turn you off. It will never be more than just friends with Alex and Olivia. **

**This is a sad and emotional story and might make you cry so grab the tissues and keep them handy!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own SVU or any of the characters, I am just borrowing them for the purpose of this story. **

**Slighty AU as in terms of Alex and Casey both being ADA's and Elliot still being with SVU**

Chapter 1:

"I could sleep for a week!" Olivia exclaimed. The SVU team had been working for days on the latest case and the only rest they were able to get was a few hours in the crib.

"You should try and catch another few hours upstairs Liv" her partner Elliot Stabler suggested "There's nothing we can't do without you"

Olivia poked her tongue out playfully at the man, but stood from her chair all the same "Just wake me if I'm needed" she told him

Olivia trotted upstairs to the cribs, where she laid down on one of the bunks, removing her shoes and curling into herself. She closed her eyes and within minutes was asleep.

* * *

"Liv, wake up. Cabot's here" Elliot said lightly rocking Olivia's shoulder as he crouched down beside the cot.

Olivia opened her eyes and groaned as she turned to face the man "I feel like I've only been up here a few minutes" she said, thinking it was about 7 or 8am.

Elliot laughed as he stood up and took a few steps back "You got about an hour. It's only 5am"

Olivia raised her eyebrows as she sat up, swinging her legs around and pulling on her shoes "What's Alex doing here so early?"

Elliot shrugged his shoulders as he headed towards the door "No idea but she's even grouchier than you without sleep"

Olivia caught up with her partner, playfully punching him on the shoulder "Shut up" she said. She was actually concerned about Alex lately, they had become best friends and it seemed the blonde was pulling away recently and she always looked tired, plus she had taken a couple of days out from work last week which was most unusual.

Following Elliot downstairs, she immediately noticed the pale complexion of their ADA as well as the fact that she was sitting in Olivia's chair and not leaning against the desk as she often did.

"Alex?" she asked "What are you doing here so early?"

Alex attempted a smile but Olivia could tell it was strained as she spoke "I couldn't sleep, wondered if you had anything for me to work with"

Olivia shook her head "We have nothing new Alex. Why don't you catch a couple of hours in the crib?"

"I won't be able to sleep. Is there anything I can do to help" the blonde asks although her droopy eyes contradict her words

Olivia shakes her head "Alex, just come and lay down. You look really tired and I'm worried about you"

"I'm fine" Alex bites out as she stands quickly "I'll see you later"

Olivia looks at the blonde woman as she walks away from her and decides to let her go, but she'll certainly be talking to her later.

"Is she okay?" Elliot asks and Olivia shrugs before sighing and sitting in her now vacated seat

"I don't know"

* * *

Later that evening Olivia was able to leave the precinct, there was nothing else she could do on the current case and the Captain had ordered some rest. However Olivia's main concern was that of her best friend. She hadn't heard from Alex since that morning and she had been constantly worrying about the blonde. Elliot had noticed and told her to call but she had only received the blonde's voicemail.

She knocked loudly on Alex's apartment door "Alex, it's me" she called

The door opened and Alex gave a small smile before lowering her head "Hi"

Olivia gingerly touched the blonde's arm "Can I come in?"

Alex shrugged but allowed Olivia to enter. Olivia walked over to the couch and Alex followed. Alex looked as if she was going to cry and Olivia tentatively pulled her into a hug "Alex, talk to me. What's going on?"

"Nothing, I'm fine" Alex answered quietly, her voice cracking, betraying her words

Olivia shook her head "Alex, you're on the verge of tears, you don't look like you've slept in weeks, you're withdrawn and quiet and that isn't you. You took time off work which I've never known you to do ever. You are not fine!"

Alex turned her head away "I was sick Liv"

"You don't take time off Alex, even when you're sick. How many times have I come to your office and you've been asleep on the couch with a temperature, or you've been throwing up before court and you always refuse to go home"

"This was different" Alex mumbled

"How?" Olivia asked softly

Alex stood "I don't want to talk about it Olivia, please, just go"

Olivia shook her head, and remained seated "Not until you talk to me"

"I don't want to" Alex said adamantly as she turned away from the brunette detective

"Why not?" Olivia pressed

"I just don't want to" Alex was getting agitated and Olivia felt bad about pushing the issue but she was growing more concerned

"Why? Alex, what is going on?"

"I can't…" Alex began as she started to cry

Olivia was beyond worried at this time; it was very unusual for Alex to break so easily. She had what was known as an ice queen exterior, and although Olivia had seen glimpses of the blonde's vulnerability. It was seldom that she'd see her cry.

"Alex? Please. Talk to me" she said as she stood, turning the blonde to face her "What's going on?"

"I…I'm…I…" she stuttered before she flew from the brunette's grip and almost screamed "I've got Cancer"

Olivia opened her mouth in shock as she sat down on the couch, watching Alex frantically pace the living room

"Cancer?" she asked in a whisper

Alex stopped pacing and turned to Olivia, before nodding "Cervical" she said matter of a fact as she walked over to the brunette

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared, I am scared. I've got to have an operation, a hysterectomy. Olivia, I'll never have children"

Olivia understood Alex's fear; she herself had never been blessed with children and now was too old to carry her own. She pulled Alex towards her, gently rubbing circles on the blonde's back. "Alex, I know you're scared, and you're allowed to be but you don't need to go through this on your own. What stage is the cancer?"

"They think its early stage, but they want to do a hysterectomy, apparently it's the best option and then I'll have radiotherapy and possibly chemo"

"You'll beat this Alex, your chances are good. I had a friend with Cervical Cancer, and I read a lot about it while she was having treatment" Olivia said gently

"Where is she now?" Alex asked

"She died" Olivia replied hesitantly "But her Cancer was far more aggressive and they caught it too late but from what you're saying, you have a much better chance"

Alex nodded "I'm still scared. I wanted children Olivia and I know my time was running out anyway, but now I can't at all. Who's going to want me now?"

Olivia sighed and gave Alex a warm smile "You're more than just a child carrier Alex, you're beautiful, and kind, funny and smart. You're my best friend and you'll make someone really happy one day, I know you will. Any woman will be lucky to have you"

It was no secret that Alex was a lesbian, while she didn't flaunt it, most people knew and those that didn't thought it. Alex shrugged at Olivia's words, and it was obvious that she didn't believe it. Olivia had never seen Alex insecure, she had never seen her look so sad and it pulled at her own heart strings.

She had been through so much with the blonde and while they had never dated or been physically intimate, they shared a special connection and the blonde was very dear to Olivia's heart.

"I'm guessing you haven't told Casey" Olivia said quietly

Casey Novak had been an ADA with SVU after Alex was shot and went into the witness protection program. She had been censured after a Brady violation and only recently felt comfortable and confident enough to return to prosecuting. She had taken on half of SVU cases, sharing the docket with Alex. They had been getting on well and Olivia knew that the redhead was also a lesbian and had always admired Alex.

Alex shook her head "It's none of her business"

Olivia sighed "I thought you were friends"

"We work together and socialise occasionally, but we've never actually got to know each other properly. She's a lovely woman Olivia, but I can't put this on her and to be honest, I don't want her to know. I didn't even want to tell you"

Olivia sighed again and decided to drop the subject "Shall I order take-out?"

Alex gave a small smile, relieved of the subject change before nodding her head "That'll be nice"

"Chinese?"

Alex laughed and nodded "You know me well Liv"

Olivia wanted to approach other subjects, such as work, and what Alex was going to do while she recovered from the surgery and while undergoing treatment but she didn't want to upset the blonde further or cause an argument. She'd decide how to approach it while they were eating, and hoped that Alex wouldn't shut her out.

**Let me know what you think. I know their are a few stories where one of the characters are sick, but I hope that this one is slightly different. It will certainly be A/C in terms of romantic pairings, and will deal with not just Alex's illness but her insecurities regarding her attractiveness now she can no longer conceive. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for all the positive feedback on the first chapter and just for that, you get another chapter! **

**Surfrider: Casey will make an appearance in the coming chapters, I won't leave you waiting long :)**

**Tripperz: There may be similarities to DMAA's story but it won't be the same at all. I don't want to give too much away telling you why but trust me, it will not be the same. Give it a chance. **

Chapter 2:

"How's the case going?" Alex asked after the food had arrived and they'd spent almost ten minutes in silence.

"We've come to a bit of a dead end" Olivia explained "Fin's been trying to use his contacts but we're not getting anything useful"

"Do you have to be in tomorrow?" Alex asked the detective

Olivia nodded "Yeah, but not until about 9am. Do you want me to stay tonight?"

Olivia could always read Alex really well and she heard the hidden question in Alex's words. Olivia was also pleased that they had broached the subject of work and hoped that she would be able to approach her thoughts and concerns easier.

"No, I…yeah" Alex sheepishly answered

Olivia gave a slight chuckle "Then I will. Alex, don't hesitate to ask for anything"

Alex nodded but didn't respond verbally as she continued eating. Olivia let her breathe for a few moments before she placed her pate on the table and turned to face the blonde "Alex, what are you going to do about work?"

Alex turned to look at the brunette, furrowing her brows "Nothing"

"Alex. You're going to have major surgery next week, you're going to go through radiotherapy and maybe chemo too, you're gonna feel bad. You can't just continue as normal Lex, as much as you want to"

Alex shrugged "I don't want to think about it right now Olivia"

"You're going to have to. You need to go and see Liz, and work something out"

"I can't just take time out when I feel like it" Alex said as she placed her plate on the table beside Olivia's.

Olivia sighed "Casey's more than capable of handling things.I'm not saying you shouldn't work, but maybe you should cut back. Do you think you're really going to be able to work through this Alex?"

"I don't want Casey to know"

"Okay. You don't have to tell her, you can figure out how you're going to lie about it but Alex, you need to talk to Liz about taking some time" Olivia spoke firmly but gently.

Alex nodded as she leant back into the couch "I'm scared Olivia"

Olivia placed a hand on Alex's arm "Alex, you're allowed to be. How did you find out you were sick?"

Alex shook her head "Do we have to talk about this?"

Olivia sighed as she stood, collecting the plates "No we don't but it might help if you do Alex" she said as she headed into the kitchen.

Alex didn't follow and Olivia knew the blonde needed time to comprehend everything. Alex wasn't very good at talking about herself and opening up, and she'd revealed more in the last couple of hours than usual.

When she returned Alex was leaning against the arm of the couch, her eyes closed. Olivia knew she wasn't asleep but merely using this as a way to cut herself off from the subject at hand. She wasn't going to press but she wanted the blonde to know she was there

Taking a throw from the back of the couch, she draped it over the blonde "I'm here when you need me Alex, you're my best friend and you won't be alone through this" she said quietly before heading back into the kitchen.

* * *

"Olivia" Alex said quietly as she stepped into the kitchen nearly an hour later "What are you doing in here?"

Olivia looked up at the blonde and gave her a small smile "I thought I'd let you rest. I washed up and decided to help you with the crossword you were stuck on"

Alex chuckled before she sighed "I wasn't asleep"

Olivia nodded "I know. That's why I said rest. Alex, I won't push you to talk but you don't need to pretend to sleep just to avoid me"

Alex sat down "I wasn't trying to avoid you Liv, just the conversation"

Olivia nodded as she closed the crossword. She stood from her chair and offered her hand to Alex, who tentatively took it "Go to bed Alex, you look shattered. Do you need to work tomorrow? I think you should stay home and get some rest, I'll call you"

Alex shook her head "I've got to work. I'm going to see Liz. Olivia, you don't need to stay"

Olivia shook her head "Yes, I do. You wanted me to, and I know you're saying that because you don't want to seem weak but needing a friend, needing support, that's natural and normal Alex. I'm here until I get called away, or until the morning at the latest and then when you need me during the day, I'll be available on the phone if I can't come to you in person. Now, get some sleep"

"I'll take the couch"

"No, I will. You need sleep Alex, much more than me. Now, hop it" Olivia said playfully slapping the blonde on the bottom causing Alex to yelp and then glare at her friend

"Don't" she said as she turned and walked from the room

Olivia wasn't sure what had happened just then but she wouldn't dwell on it. Alex was in a rough place, and even if they'd always acted in that manner, she had a right to be touchy and a little less confident than usual.

* * *

"Alex, what are you doing up?" Olivia asked as she opened her eyes to see Alex standing by the window. It was barely 3am and while Olivia would often wake around this time for toilet breaks, she didn't think it was for Alex.

"I couldn't sleep" Alex answered as she continued to look out the window into the city.

"Is there something on your mind?" Olivia asked, as she approached the blonde, standing beside her

Alex turned to look at Olivia "I'm bleeding again"

Olivia furrowed her brows "Your vagina?" she asked candidly. Being at SVU she was no stranger to using the proper terms for body parts and she knew that Alex never minded the way she approached these kinds of topics.

Alex nodded "Yeah"

Olivia took Alex's hand "Come and sit down Alex. You know that's normal Alex, I know you hate it but after the surgery that won't happen anymore"

"I won't be able to have children either" Alex answered harshly "Sorry, I don't mean to snap. You're only trying to help"

Olivia didn't feel offended and she understood "I know"

"I bled after sex Olivia. That's how I found out. I slept with a woman and I bled. She thought I was having my period and hadn't told her. I had only just stopped menstruating a few days previous. I was embarrassed and scared" Alex explained as tears pricked her eyes

"Oh Alex" Olivia said quietly, as she pulled the woman into a hug "I really wish you'd told me sooner. I hate thinking you were alone with this"

Alex just cried into the brunette's arms. "I'm so scared Olivia. The last time I had surgery I awoke and was told I'd died, I don't want to die"

"You're not going to Alex, you have a good chance. Let me come with you, when are you going?"

"Tuesday but Olivia you can't just take time off to come with me"

"Would you like me to?" Olivia asked

Alex nodded "Yes but…"

"Then I'll come with you. Alex, you're not alone, trust me. I want to hear what the doctor says, did he give you a prognosis, talk me through what he said"

Alex shrugged "I wasn't really listening. I heard Cervical Cancer and hysterectomy and just shut the rest out"

"Then it would help if someone's with you to take in the information"

Alex nodded as she closed her eyes "I'm tired" she whispered

"Then sleep. Come on, I'll hold you until you drift off" Olivia said pulling her friend into a hug.

"Thank you" Alex murmured before she drifted off into a light sleep.

**Leave your thoughts. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to all those who are reading and reviewing. I only get to write in the evenings as I am at work during the day, so there will be only one chapter tonight as it's already late here in the UK. **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own SVU. I do not own Alex, Casey or Olivia, unfortunately. Those rights are not mine :(**

**Casey makes an appearance, but it is only minor. She'll play a bigger part in the next chapter. This is kind of a filler. **

Chapter 3:

Olivia woke around 6.30am that morning, and after showering and getting herself ready she was unsure of whether to wake Alex or let the blonde sleep. She decided on waking her, knowing that Alex may get annoyed if she doesn't. She knows how determined Alex is to work, and although she doesn't agree, in retrospect, she probably would be the same.

"Alex. It's 7.30am" Olivia told the blonde as she gently roused her

"Uh?" Alex mumbled, causing Olivia to laugh at her friend

"I'm going to work Alex. I thought I'd wake you" Olivia explained as Alex rubbed her eyes and began to sit up

The blonde nodded "Okay" and Olivia gave her a swift hug before exiting and heading to work.

Alex groaned as the door shut behind the detective and hoisted herself from the bed. She showered and dressed in a daze, her mind elsewhere as she thought about how she was going to tell Liz about the cancer.

The drive to work resulted in panic and Alex had to park her car and take some breaths before she caused an accident. Her heart was pounding and she was struggling to breathe as she felt constricted. She didn't want to phone Olivia for help so decided to walk, hoping that the fresh January air would calm her nerves.

Grabbing her attaché, Alex left the car on the decision to pick it up at lunch time. She walked along the street past all the other pedestrians. Still deep in thought she didn't notice Casey cycling alongside her until the redhead spoke "Are you really that distracted that you didn't notice I've been beside you for a block and a half or are you ignoring me on purpose?"

Alex turned and raised her brows "Uh?"

Casey chuckled and then furrowed her brows "I've been beside you since Broome Street Alex. You're in your own little word. Why are you walking?"

"My car broke down" Alex swiftly lied "I was thinking it's time it got a full service"

Casey nodded as they continued walking "Have you any weekend plans?"

Alex shook her head "Not as yet, I think Olivia said she might come over and we'll watch a few movies" She explained, noticing that Casey was peddling a little faster "If you want to go on ahead Case…"

Casey nodded "I hope it doesn't seem rude but I need to prepare for court this morning and I kind of woke a little late"

Normally Alex would think it was a little rude to start and conversation and then dash off when their destinations were the same but she was relieved, as she didn't really want or fancy the company this morning. "Not at all" she answered as Casey sped off on her bicycle

* * *

Alex knocked on the door to Liz's office, she was nervous and frightened and a little unsure of exactly what she was going to say.

"Come in" the older woman called from inside

Alex poked her head through the door "Can I have a minute?" she asked

Liz nodded and pointed to the seat "Sit down Alex. What can I do for you?"

"Um" Alex began "I…uh. I need to take some time off next week. I have personal things to deal with and I uh…I know I have some vacation time"

Liz raised her eyebrows but didn't press the blonde to go into detail "How long will you need off?"

"Um, Tuesday and Wednesday should suffice" she decided

"If you need longer, I could get Casey to cover. Do you want me to ask?"

Alex quickly shook her head, trying not to panic and let her voice waver as she spoke "No. 2 days is fine. Thank you"

Liz nodded and allowed Alex to make a hasty exit, although she decided to approach Alex again and try and figure out what was happening to the blonde. Alex had never seemed nervous in front of Liz and if the older woman hadn't have been busy she would have demanded Alex talk to her.

Alex headed straight to the restroom where she collapsed in one of the stalls, tears springing from her eyes. She couldn't tell Liz why she needed the time off and it made her feel weak and stupid.

Just as she was breaking down, Casey entered the restroom and heard the blonde sobs. She wasn't sure who it was to begin with but as the sobs got louder, she realised that it was Alex.

"Alex, is that you?" Casey asked gently

Alex gasped as she took a deep breath, wiping the tears quickly from her eyes. She stood and pushed open the door, trying to avoid eye contact while she composed herself

"Alex, were you crying?" Casey questioned

Alex looked up and gave her trademark glare "No" she said firmly and walked from the restroom, leaving a confused and concerned redhead gaping at the door.

* * *

"Alex, are you home?" Olivia called out as she knocked on the blonde's door for a second time, it swiftly swung open just as Olivia was about to knock again

"I was asleep" Alex said and walked into the living room

"Did you talk to Liz?" the brunette asked as she took a seat

"You don't waste any time do you?" Alex said, she didn't mean to sound harsh but she really didn't want to talk, she really was tired and had been dozing on the couch

"Casey told me you were crying" Olivia said quietly "She was worried about you"

"You didn't tell her?" Alex asked worriedly, knowing there was no point in denying things to Olivia, not now she knew.

The brunette sighed but shook her head "I told her she had to talk to you, but I'd check on you. Alex, I know you don't want people to know, I know you're scared but you need to face this Alex"

"I am. I'm having surgery for crying out loud!"

Olivia nodded and allowed Alex to rant, she wasn't going to chastise the blonde for expressing her emotions, but she was glad she was there all the same.

"I asked Liz for some time off. I chickened out, Olivia; I just said it was personal. I don't know how to tell people without getting upset. I hate this, I'm never this emotional and now I can barely function without panicking or crying"

Olivia sighed as she offered her hand out to the blonde, who sat beside her on the couch "Alex, you're allowed to cry and to be angry and scared. Would you like me to talk to Liz, I know it should come from you, but if this is that hard…would it help?"

Alex shrugged "That makes me sound like I'm scared"

"You are Alex, and I told you, that's fine. Liz needs to know, it's your health Alex, and she needs to know that you're sick" Olivia pressed.

Alex nodded "Can you…I uh…?"

Olivia sighed as she nodded "Alex, ask for help. Please, don't think you need to be strong all the time, or do things by yourself. You don't. I think that you should talk to Casey as well so she knows what to expect"

"I…why?"

"Because one, she was worried and came to me and I'm not going to break your confidence without your permission but she's my friend too and I hate lying to her. Two, because she's your colleague and friend and deserves to know"

Alex nodded as a lone tear made its way down her cheek "I know" she whispered, wiping it away

"Alex, you can cry. It might make you feel a little better to get it out" Olivia said gently

Alex's resolve began to crumble as she began to tremble. She let the tears fall while Olivia held her and cried for a few minutes before she sniffled and pulled away "I'm fine now" she said wiping her eyes and standing up

Olivia sighed as she followed the blonde "Alex, how about I call Casey and she can come over and watch some movies with us. If we have a comfortable and personal place to talk, maybe it will be easier than at work"

Alex shrugged "I guess"

Olivia nodded "I'll call her. Alex, it'll be okay. You'll be fine. I'm here for you, and Casey will be too. You're loved by many people; you'll not have to be on your own"

**How will Casey react? Let me know what you think **


	4. Chapter 4

**Again thank you for reading, reviewing and giving this a chance. **

**I haven't forgotten about or neglected INEBY and FTWB, hoping to update both tomorrow or Thursday. Just been really busy, and not at my best either.**

Chapter 4:

"Alex, the door" Olivia called out to the blonde and receiving no answer. Heading into the living room Olivia sighed when she realised Alex had retreated to the bedroom on hearing the arrival of Casey.

She opened the door just as the redhead lifted her hand to knock again. "Hey Olivia" Casey said "I was just beginning to think that you'd gone out somewhere. Where's Alex?"

Olivia gave a small smile "She'll be through in a minute. Take a seat and get comfortable" she told Casey who was slightly confused. After seeing Alex earlier, in the restroom, she had been a little concerned and when Olivia had told her that she should speak to Alex she had begun to worry more. Now, she was utterly confused and had decided that whatever the problem was, it wasn't a small one.

Olivia quickly headed into the bedroom where she found Alex standing at the window. "Alex, Casey's here" she said gently

"I'll be out in a minute" the blonde almost whispered, trying to hide her emotion but failing

Olivia stepped forward "Alex, its only Casey"

"That's the problem" Alex muttered under her breath

"I didn't quite hear that" Olivia questioned "Come on, it'll be fine"

"I know. I said I'll just be a minute" Alex repeated, glad that the brunette hadn't heard what she'd said. She wanted to tell Casey but she was scared that the redhead would be weird about it, she couldn't explain the hesitation.

Olivia nodded "Alex, the longer you think about it, the more you'll find reasons to not tell her. I'm right with you, and Casey will be there for you too"

Alex hesitantly followed Olivia out into the living room where Casey was sitting stiffly on the couch. "So, what's going on?" she asked on seeing the brunette exit the bedroom "Alex?"

Alex sat down in the armchair opposite the redhead and looked at Olivia with fear in her eyes. She mouthed "I can't" and turned her head away so that neither woman would see her tears.

Olivia squeezed Alex's hand as she looked at a questioning Casey "Alex has cancer" she said giving the blonde another squeeze as she tensed under her touch

Casey opened her mouth before closing it. She could see Alex was crying by the movement if the blonde's shoulders. She moved from her space on the couch and knelt where Alex was sitting "Alex, I'm so sorry. What type is it?" she asked gently

"Cervical" the blonde choked out

Olivia gave Casey a small smile "Its early stage. She has a good chance of a full recovery after surgery and treatment" she explained

"That's why you're out for two days next week" Casey realised

Olivia looked at Alex with raised eyebrows "Two days Alex? You're having a hysterectomy and you've taken two days?"

Casey gasped "You're having a hysterectomy?"

Alex looked at her and nodded "Yeah" she whispered

Olivia took Alex's head in her hands and turned her so she was looking at her "You need to take more than two days Alex. You're not going back to work 2 days after major surgery"

"Does Liz know?" Casey questioned

Alex shook her head and she wiped her eyes on the back of her hand "No"

Casey was in shock. She was also concerned and frightened for the blonde. She had come to think highly of Alex and regarded her as a friend. "Alex, I'm here for you. Anytime you need me, I'm here"

Alex looked away and Olivia sighed "She's determined not to need help Casey"

"I get that but she needs us" Casey told Olivia

Alex snapped "Can you not talk about me as if I'm not here?!"

"Sorry" Olivia apologised sincerely "I just wish you'd let me in"

Casey stood "Alex, you're not alone and you don't have to be. We're here. If you let us, we'll be your support. You can't do this by yourself no matter how much you want to"

"I'm scared" Alex almost whispered

Casey gave the blonde a sad smile as she sat herself on the arm of the chair Alex was in. Olivia was already perched on the other side "I know. You're a fighter Alex, you'll beat it"

"I can't have children" Alex murmured

Casey looked at Olivia, silently begging for help. She didn't know what to say to the blonde.

"Alex, I know how much you wanted kids. I did too, remember, heck I still do. We have other options. But right now, how about we watch a movie, and when you're ready to talk, we'll listen but no pressure" Olivia suggests

Alex nods as she removes herself from the armchair "I'm just going to use the bathroom. You girls choose what to watch, I'm not fussed". Olivia looks concernedly at the blonde who gives her a smile, and mouths. "I'm okay"

* * *

Alex was asleep on the couch. Casey was propped up against the couch by the blonde's feet while Olivia was in the armchair. They were about half way through watching "Legally Blonde", this was Alex's favourite movie and Olivia thought that it would cheer the woman up but it seemed Alex was tired and she fell asleep 20 minutes in.

Casey was trying to think of how to approach the topic of Alex's illness with Olivia when the brunette spoke "She's going to get through this Casey. From what she's told me, it seems to be early stage. I'm going with her Tuesday, as she hasn't really taken a lot in"

"How long has she known?" Casey asked

"I haven't found that out yet but she started growing distant a couple of weeks ago. I hate to think she's been dealing with this for that long but…you know Alex"

"Actually I don't. I really want to get to know her but she's not easily figured out. She doesn't let people in" Casey said sadly

Olivia nodded "I know. Casey, do you really mean what you said about being there for Alex"

"Yes. I really like her, she's such a strong willed woman and I like that. It suits her. Olivia, how do you think she'd feel if I said I'd carry her child for her? Would that make her feel like I'm trying to rub it in? I'd use her eggs, it would be her child"

Olivia gaped open mouthed at the redhead "Casey, that's a huge responsibility on you"

"Alex means a lot to me too Olivia, she's one my best friends even if she doesn't know it"

"Would you really do that for her?" Olivia asks

"If it makes her happy and gives her a child, I'd do anything Olivia" Casey says quietly

"Case…"Olivia begins but is interrupted by the shrill of her cell phone. "Benson" she answers

Casey turns and looks at the blonde who is still sleeping. Even in her sleep Alex looks tense and troubled.

Olivia finishes the call and looks at Casey "Casey, I'm needed at the precinct. I hoped I could spend tomorrow with Alex but I'm not sure when I'll be finished. I don't want to wake her…"

"I'll stay" Casey tells the brunette "And when you finish, we'll be here. Do you think I'll be needed?"

Olivia shook her head "No, there's a child needs interviewing. Just early days, but I'll call you. Casey, don't say anything to Alex about carrying her child…I don't know how she'd take that right now"

Casey nods as Olivia picks up her jacket and opens the door "We'll be fine Liv"

Once Olivia has gone, Casey ends the movie, knowing she wouldn't concentrate. She gets comfortable in the armchair and begins to think about the blonde asleep on the couch.

"Alex, I wish you knew how much I cared about you" she says quietly "You're an amazing woman. I'm going to be here with you, you've got me"

She doesn't realise that the closing of the door disturbed the blonde from her sleep and although her eyes are still closed she can hear what Casey's saying.

**Leave your thoughts, much appreciated:)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you all so much for the reviews, kind words and support. **

**Hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the previous ones. There will only be one chapter tonight but hopefully I can get a couple more posted over the weekend. **

Chapter 5:

"Casey?" Alex murmured as she opened her eyes a few minutes after hearing the redhead speak

Casey's eyes flew open, she had just closed them in thought and was panicked that Alex hadn't actually been sleeping "Hey, sleep well?"

Alex nodded "Yeah. Where's Liv?"

"She had to go into work. I offered to stay with you"

"I don't need a keeper" Alex said annoyed "I'm not dying yet"

Casey nodded "Alex, I know that. I wanted to stay and you're not going to die"

"You really meant it, uh?" Alex said quietly, musing over what she had heard the redhead say and ignoring the words just spoken

Casey furrowed her brows "What?"

Alex gave a soft smile "You said that I had you, and that you care about me"

Casey gasped "You heard that? I thought you were asleep" she said blushing

Alex chuckled "The door disturbed me. But I know you thought I was asleep, that's why you said it"

Casey nodded "I mean it Alex, you're a lovely person and I hate to see you hurting and dealing alone. I want to be here for you, if you'll let me"

Alex didn't know what to say. She wanted to say she didn't need anyone; she wanted to say she didn't want Casey but that would be a lie and she hated lying.

"Thanks" she murmured "Casey, you can go. I'm sure you have better things to be doing than sitting here with me"

Casey shook her head as she sighed "Actually Alex, I don't. I want to be here. I'd like to get to know you better, we might have lunch occasionally and work together but I don't really know you and I want that to change"

Alex was uncertain. Casey was speaking rather candidly, she was being honest and open and something about the way the redhead was acting seemed a little strange. "I'm certain you have better things to do. Go, Casey. I'm going to get some sleep anyway"

Casey shook her head "Why do you want to me to leave Alex? Have I upset you? Did I make you uncomfortable or something?" she wondered aloud

Alex shook her head "No" she murmured "I'd just rather be on my own"

Casey didn't believe the blonde's reasons entirely but she didn't want to argue or make a scene so she collected her things "If you need anything, call" she insisted "I'll see you Monday"

* * *

Olivia pulled into the underground car park at the blonde's apartment. After talking to the young girl at the precinct and then going through evidence, she was in need of a bath and sleep but she had promised herself she'd go straight to Alex's and spend some time with her best friend.

As she locked her car, she glanced at her watch. It was nearly 7am. She hoped that Alex had let Casey in but as she entered the elevator, she had a funny feeling that her hopes were far from reality.

Knocking gently on the door, she hoped she wasn't waking the blonde, it swung open and Alex appeared in her pyjamas, looking as if she hadn't slept all night "Liv, what are you doing here?"

"I said we'd spend time together this weekend. I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to see you. Were you sleeping?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders and she moved from the doorway "I'm not made of glass Olivia and no, I wasn't asleep"

Olivia sighed "Alex, will you please just let me be your friend, instead of pushing me away. Where's Casey?"

Alex sat down on the couch "She went home. I didn't need her to stay"

Olivia took a breath as she sat down next to Alex "Alex, she cares about you, as do I. Please don't shut us out, let us help"

"Sorry"

"I understand. Alex, when did you find out about the cancer? I know you told me how, but you never said when"

Alex tensed "A couple of weeks ago"

Olivia tried not to gasp, instead she gave a sad smile "I wish you had told me Alex" she said before musing "You look tired still"

"I'm fine Olivia"

"How much sleep did you actually get Alex?"

Alex shrugged before attempting to stifle a yawn "Not much" she admitted "But it wouldn't have helped if Casey had stayed or you either"

Olivia nodded as she tentatively touched the blonde's upper arm and turned to face the woman "Alex, did Casey say something that upset you. Why did you ask her to leave?"

"She was being nice Olivia, it was weird. She said she cared about me and that I had her, she thought I was sleeping though"

Olivia smiled at the redhead's kind words "Alex, she does care about you. You do know you've worked together for nearly 6 months"

Alex nodded "It's gone so quick. I like her Olivia, she works hard, she's dedicated, committed, always strive to do her best and she has a heart, a huge heart. I just don't see why she'd waste it on me"

Olivia sighed, she hated when Alex got like this, and granted, it wasn't often that Alex had self esteem issues, but sometimes she could be closed off and seem unattached to her emotions. This was one of them moments when Olivia just wanted her to see who she was inside and that she was worth being loved and cared about.

"Alex. Casey does have a huge heart and you do too. Anyone would be a fool not to care about you, especially when they get to see the real you"

"But Casey hasn't seen it. She just see's me in work mode" Alex said quietly

"And she still likes you, doesn't that tell you something?" Olivia chuckled

Alex allowed a smile at Olivia's joke "I don't know what I'm meant to be doing Olivia. I've never taken time to actually worry about myself, or relax. I don't do personal time and afternoons on the couch with hot chocolate and daytime TV"

"Alex, isn't it time to take care of yourself? Allow yourself a little time to chill. Casey wants to be there for you, like I do. Let us, please" the brunette almost pleaded with the blonde

Alex shrugged before answering "I'll try" and Olivia decided to let it drop for now, that was enough for her. She didn't want to approach the subject of children with Alex yet, and even though she thought Casey's suggestion incredibly sweet and touching, she wasn't sure it was entirely selfless. There seemed to be a hidden agenda to the redhead's thought and while Olivia didn't think Casey would hurt Alex, she wanted to be certain that the redhead had thought it through properly.

* * *

After breakfast, which Olivia had cooked while the blonde was taking a shower, the two friends decided to head into town. Olivia thought that some shopping would cheer Alex up or at least take her mind off from her worries but she was wrong.

They were now standing in the department store and Alex was visibly upset as Olivia was looking at the bikini's on display "Alex, what's the matter?" she asked, turning to see that Alex was holding back the tears

"I'm going to look ugly" she almost whispered, although the emotion in her voice was still evident

Olivia furrowed her brows "What are you talking about Alex, you're beautiful"

Alex didn't even smile at the compliment; she just looked down at the ground, trying to avoid contact with both Olivia and the bikini set she was now holding "I'm going to scar"

Olivia sighed, hanging the bikini back on the rail as she led Alex over to a soft seat "Alex, I know you're scared and that's fine but you're being irrational now. It's just going to be a small scar, nothing major, you've got a bullet scar on your shoulder, and you don't worry about that"

Alex shrugged "My shoulders aren't a flattering part of me anyway. My stomach is flat, toned, I always liked my stomach and now when people are going to look at it, it's not because it looks good, it will be because of the ugly scar"

Olivia pulled Alex into her arms, as a few people walked by, whispering about the emotional looking woman. Olivia glared at a couple as she released Alex and wiped away her tears "Alex, you'll still look beautiful, trust me. I know it's daunting and everything seems to be intensified but once you're well again Alex, a scar won't matter"

"It will" Alex deadpanned "I want to go home"

Olivia sighed "Let's go and get lunch first. I'm starving. How about I invite Casey along for something to eat too"

Alex shook her head "I don't want to see her at the moment Olivia"

Olivia furrowed her brows "Alex, what's going on? Why does the mention of Casey get to you so much"

Alex shrugged "I don't know" she murmured but Olivia had an idea, although she wouldn't press in case she was wrong and angered the blonde.

"Okay. How about we go eat and then we can look in some other shops" Olivia suggested

"Why? Everywhere I go there'll be babies, and baby clothes, bikini's and crop tops. I just want to go home"

Olivia sighed; she was worried that the blonde was going to start getting depressed. She didn't want Alex to lose her confidence, it was part of what made her the person she was and although Olivia had seen a softer side to the blonde over the years, she was always self assured.

**Thoughts and ideas appreciated as always :) **


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you so much for all the reviews on the last chapter. I am glad you are enjoying this, I hope to get another chapter up either late today or tomorrow morning...but the family are over and it's hectic :)**

Chapter 6:

Olivia pulled up outside the redhead's apartment late on Saturday afternoon. After a tiring afternoon of trying to reassure Alex that she wouldn't look ugly, that she wasn't going to die and that there were other options when it came to having children, Olivia knew she had to talk to Casey.

Casey had been hesitant about Olivia coming over but she had heard the desperation in the brunette's voice and she knew how deeply she cared for Alex. She remembered vividly how Olivia acted when she first arrived at the precinct as Alex's replacement. She had at first thought that the two women were more than friends but had quickly been told that it wasn't the case and that they were just very good friends.

She made her way into the elevator and down the hall and gingerly knocked on the door. It opened almost immediately and Casey gave her a wary smile "Come in"

Olivia made her way over to the couch but didn't sit "I needed to talk to you about Alex"

Casey nodded and sat down, motioning for Olivia to do the same "Sit. What's the matter?"

Olivia laughed "What isn't? Casey, she keeps putting herself down, she's insecure about how she'll look after surgery, she keeps talking as if she's dying and it's quite frankly worrying me. Not to mention she gets this far away look every time we see a baby or small child"

"I haven't said anything…" Casey began

Olivia nodded "I know. I know you haven't, she told me you said that you cared and that you'd be there for her and she's trying to figure out why. I don't know what she'd think if you approached her about carrying her child. Maybe we should wait until after the surgery to approach it"

Casey didn't know whether to agree or not, but she didn't want to lose her friendship with the blonde by bringing up something that could upset her more. "I really meant what I said Olivia, I'd be happy to carry her child"

"You keep saying 'her' child not 'a' child" Olivia mused

"I said I'd use her eggs Olivia, which is why I think we should approach the subject before she has surgery. So she can harvest some"

Olivia understood Casey's reasoning, she just didn't know what Alex's reaction would be "She would need time to think about it"

Casey nodded "I know. I'm not saying she'd have to make a decision before the surgery, but if she harvested some eggs, if she chose to let me do this then it would be easier"

"Why?" Olivia asked "Why would you do this for her?"

"Because I care, Olivia and I know how much she wants children. I saw that pain in her eyes when she told me she wouldn't have children" Casey almost whispered

Olivia shook her head "Is there more to this than you're letting on Casey. I know how much you admire Alex, and that you always have. But you've changed since you've come back to SVU, since you've been working with her"

"Just because I'm a lesbian Olivia, it doesn't mean I'm attracted to every female" Casey argued

"Are you attracted to Alex?" Olivia asked

Casey mused for a moment before she nodded "Yes. She's beautiful Olivia but she's smart, stubborn, and she has a heart, even if she doesn't show it sometimes. I don't know her that well, but I'd like to Olivia, I really would like to"

Olivia smiled "You've got feelings for her"

Casey nodded "Yes. But that isn't why I'm doing this. I'm not going to make a move on someone who's sick, she doesn't need that, she needs support and friends"

Olivia made a decision "I'll approach the subject of someone carrying her child, I won't say you, I won't mention that I have someone in mind or anything. I'll just see whether she'd go for it…and I'll get back to you. Be friends with her Casey, invite her over, bring her dinner, but don't make her feel like an invalid"

Casey nodded "I wouldn't. I just want to be there for her"

* * *

Monday morning comes around fast. Olivia was at the precinct all day Sunday, which meant that she wasn't able to see how Alex was doing. Casey had been called in to get a warrant, and Olivia was pleased that the squad had called her rather than Alex.

As the brunette detective sat down at her desk she looked over at her partner Elliot Stabler who was intently watching her "What?"

"Why's Cabot quit?"

Olivia furrowed her brows "What?"

"She resigned, didn't she tell you? That's weirder than I thought"

Olivia stood up "What are you talking about Elliot? Where did you hear this?"

Elliot stood and placed a hand on Olivia's shoulder "Liv, calm down. I thought you'd know. Cap just told us, I guess he assumed you'd already know what with you being friends and everything"

"Cover for me?" she questioned and sighed in relief when Elliot nodded.

Olivia was going to go straight to the blonde's apartment but decided that she'd go to the DA's office first and find out what Casey knew.

"Olivia!" she heard her name called as soon as she got out from her car, she looked up to see Casey hurrying over to her

"Elliot just told me. What happened Case?"

Casey shrugged "No idea. Liz just told me that Alex would no longer be working with SVU and that I would be the sole ADA for the unit. I asked why and she just said that Alex had resigned. She wanted to know if there had been a problem between us, I said I didn't believe so"

Olivia nodded "Are you busy?" she asked

Casey shook her head "I was going to go and talk to Alex, find out what was going on?"

"Me too, hop in"

The ride to the blonde's apartment was fraught with tension. Olivia and Casey were both worried about Alex's decision, they were both concerned about her state of mind and what she was thinking and they both blamed themselves for not going to see the woman yesterday.

* * *

"Alex, it's me and Casey. Let us in please" Olivia called through the door after knocking on it for the third time

"Go away please. I don't want to talk"

Olivia sighed "Alex, please. You don't need to talk, just listen"

The door opened and Casey gave a sad smile to the blonde "Hey"

Alex averted her gaze from the redhead, dropping her head to the floor; she stepped aside and let the women into the apartment. "You should be at work, both of you"

Olivia shook her head "We needed to see you. Alex, I'm not saying you have to explain why you resigned but you didn't need to. Whatever is going through that head of yours needs to be evaluated"

"I'm going to be off work constantly when I start treatment, whether it's radiotherapy or chemo. This way I don't have to worry about letting you down Casey. We could be in the middle of a case and I have to take a day off, then you're left in the lurch. I can't do that" she said sitting on the couch

Casey shook her head "I'd understand. We'd make it work"

Alex sighed "You don't get it. You might understand but I'd feel awful. If I get better then maybe I can apply for a position somewhere else when the times right"

Olivia touched the blonde's arm as she sat down beside her "I wish you'd stop saying 'if you get better', you're going to be fine"

Alex ignored the brunette's words "You should really get back to work Olivia, I'm sure you needed and don't you have a case to work on Casey?"

Casey shook her head "Not right now"

Olivia wanted to stay, but she knew she was needed at the precinct "Alex, call if you need anything"

"I'll stay" Casey told the blonde who shook her head

"No. Go, please. If I need you, I'll call one of you. I swear, but I'll be fine. I've got a lot of housework to do" she gave a small smile as she finished speaking

Casey wanted to argue but the look Olivia gave her told her that she needed to give Alex space at the moment "Can I come over later? I could bring take-out" she offered

Alex nodded "I'd like that. You're welcome too Olivia"

Olivia gave Alex a hug "Take Care. If I'm not too late I'll come over"


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay, here's another chapter for you! May get another later today, but I'm not giving any promises here. More than likely it won't be until Monday evening. **

Chapter 7:

Alex was asleep on the couch when she was jolted awake by a loud knock at the door. She squinted at the clock, furrowing her brows when it seemed to read 8pm. She tried to think about who would be knocking at this time and then remembered that Casey said she'd be over with take-out. She had expected her earlier and was trying to work out why it was so late when a voice called out "Alex. It's Olivia"

She jumped from the couch, in confusion, padding over to the door, where she unlocked it and the brunette's arms flew around her neck.

Alex gasped, before pulling back and raising both eyebrows "What's going on?" she asked, before noticing Casey looking relieved beside the brunette

Casey took a step forward "I came around at 6, but you weren't answering. I thought maybe you'd gone out, so I waited a while but you never showed. I went downstairs and your security guy said he hadn't seen you go out. I kept knocking, and I got worried so I called Olivia"

Alex gave a small chuckle "I was sleeping. I must have been in a deep sleep"

Olivia breathed out "God Alex, you had us worried"

Alex stepped aside and let both women into her apartment. She noticed her reflection in the mirror and laughed loudly as she tried to straighten her hair. Casey smiled at the blonde's free laughter and Olivia saw the way that the redhead looked at Alex, which made her smile.

Casey held up a bag "I think the take-outs cold" she said

"Oh shit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep, I didn't realise I was that tired" Alex apologised

Casey shook her head, placing the bag on the kitchen counter "Its fine Alex. I'll just order some more"

Alex shook her head "Let me Casey" she told the redhead, handing her some money

Casey sighed "Alex, you don't need to pay me. I'm not exactly short of money"

Olivia could see that an argument would be escalating and she jumped in "Let's just order. I'm starving"

Casey was both relieved and annoyed with Olivia's interference, knowing that Alex wouldn't back down now but she was glad that an argument had been prevented. She didn't want to argue with Alex, or upset the woman but at the same time, she knew that Alex needed to talk about things.

Both Olivia and Casey were concerned that Alex was dealing with the news of her cancer in two ways, on one hand she was making decisions such as resigning from work, talking as if she was going to die and losing her confident personality and on the other, she was in denial, they knew she hadn't told Liz about the Cancer and that the DA was concerned and kept questioning Casey for answers.

Alex dialled the take out and placed their order while Olivia and Casey shared a look with each other that told them that they needed to talk to Alex about work and how she was coping.

When Alex placed the phone down on the unit, Olivia gently took her elbow and led her to the living room where she ordered her to sit. Casey sat on the floor in front of the blonde while Olivia perched on the small table.

"Alex, we wanted to talk to you about work. You need to tell Liz about the cancer and ask for your position back. You need to work, and I know you're worried about taking the time off and everything but you're acting as if you're not going to go back at all. You keep talking about dying and Alex, you're worrying me" Olivia told the blonde

Casey nodded "I'm actually scared for you Alex. I think you're in denial yet you're talking as if you're not going to make it out of this and you are. I know you're scared about surgery and what happens after, but you don't need to do this alone. We're here for you"

"I'm not in denial. I know what's fucking happening to me. I know what's going to happen. Yes, I'm scared, but I don't need anyone to hold my hand and tell me, I'll be fine. I won't" Alex says adamantly, a hint of anger in her voice

Olivia scoots off the table and kneels in front of Alex, taking the blonde's hands in her own "Alex, listen to me. Look at me"

Alex looks up at Olivia, and allows a tear to slip down her cheeks. Casey wants to wipe it away, she wants to hold the poor woman and comfort her but she sits and let's Olivia.

"Alex, you're going to get through this. You're going to be just fine. When we go and see the doctor tomorrow, we'll get him to explain things a bit and you'll see, you have a good chance of making a full recovery" Olivia says gently "Don't let yourself get carried away with the negative"

There is a knock on the door and Casey reluctantly heads over to open it. She takes the bag from the delivery man and hands him the money, well aware of Alex's eyes watching her. She refuses to let Alex pay for the meal and she knows Alex won't be happy about it.

As she shuts the door she hears Alex say "I told you I'd pay"

"And I said, you don't have to do that" Casey replies, heading into the kitchen where she plates up the food before returning to the living room.

They eat quietly; the only conversation is small talk between Alex and Olivia about the current case that the brunette is working on. Casey finishes eating and although she wishes she could stay, she knows she has to be at work early the next morning and it is already approaching 9.30pm.

"I'm going to make a move now Alex" she tells the blonde woman as she stands. Alex nods in response and stands as well; Casey hesitantly opens her arms for the blonde who embraces her warmly. Casey pulls back and wipes a tear from her friend's eyes "You're going to be fine. I'll be thinking of you"

Alex gives the redhead a small smile before seeing her out of the apartment. Casey feels the tears in her own eyes begin to escape and she wipes them away.

Alex furrows her brows "Hey, don't cry Casey"

Casey nods "Sorry. I…uh…I'll see you soon yeah?" she says before hurrying off down the corridor.

Alex sighs and shuts the door before turning to Olivia "What?"

Olivia shakes her head "Nothing. Alex, come and sit down"

Alex furrows her brows a little but does as the brunette asks. Olivia removes herself from the floor, sitting beside her friend "I know you're tired Alex, and I'll let you sleep in a minute but I need to ask you something"

Alex looks intently at the brunette "Okay" she draws out the words with worry

Olivia chuckles slightly and takes Alex's hands in her own "I want to talk to you about having children Alex"

Alex averts her gaze, and when she meets Olivia's eyes, she looks angry and upset "I can't have them Olivia"

"Not naturally. But you can use a donor and have someone carry your child for you" Olivia suggests

Alex furrows her brows "Liv?"

"I'm just saying, that maybe you should get your eggs harvested before the surgery and have them frozen so when you're ready, you could have a child of your own"

"But I have to have the surgery tomorrow Olivia" the blonde is hesitant and uncertain at what Olivia is suggesting

"I know. I know" Olivia said, although she hadn't actually thought this through. She didn't know how much time it would take to harvest eggs and if Alex needed the surgery immediately or if it could be put on hold a few days.

"How about if we spoke to the doctor tomorrow and looked at your options. If you can harvest some eggs before surgery, would that be an option for you. Would you consider someone carrying your child for you?"

Alex nodded but then shrugged "I would, I think. I'm not sure Olivia; I'd need to think about it"

Olivia nodded "Okay. That's natural. Alex, I know you want children; I'm trying to think of the easiest way to make that possible. I know you, and I know that if you don't do this and something happens, you're going to feel terrible"

Alex agreed "I know"

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief. She wanted to approach the subject of Casey and how Alex felt about the redhead. She had seen the way Alex had looked at her when she was crying; she had seen the way she lingered when they shared a hug. She knew that Alex liked Casey and she had a feeling that she felt more for the redhead than she was letting on.

"You better get off Olivia" Alex told the brunette "I really need to sleep and you do too"

"How about I stay?" Olivia suggested "That way, I'm already here before we head off. I've got a bag in the car, just in case"

"That's very presumptions of you Olivia Benson" Alex joked

Olivia laughed, pleased to see that the blonde had relaxed a little "I just gathered it would be easier for us both. Don't worry, I'll take the couch"

"Oh, I know you will. I'm not giving up my bed tonight" Alex said lightly, before her demeanour changed. Olivia knew the blonde was musing.

"It's going to be okay Alex" she said gently "I know you're scared but I'm going to be there when you wake up"

Alex nodded, biting her lip in response before she mumbled "If I wake up"

"Alex, you know there's always a chance something could go wrong or they could find something they didn't expect. But that's rare and you need to stop thinking negatively. You're not going to die on the table Alex, I am certain that the chances of that are slim…if it helps, we'll talk to the doctor about that as well. But thinking the worst, Alex, that's not you"

"I'm scared" Alex murmurs "I'm terrified, Olivia"

"I know" Olivia says, opening her arms and allowing Alex to cling to her as she cries.

Olivia hopes tomorrow has answers and the blonde can be put at ease. She understands that Alex is scared and frightened, she is too but she knows that the blonde is being dramatic and irrational.

**:( (I know Alex might seem out of character in this story. But if you think about it...we've seen this side to her before. In Guilt she made a irrational decision to search the Cavanaugh's home without a warrant after she shouted at the squad)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you for the lovely reviews once again. I know you've been waiting for this chapter so here you go. Hope it doesn't disappoint. It's unlikely I'll update again tonight. It's been a very hectic day and to top it off, I was slapped around the face by a two year old at work and it hurt. Great! **

Chapter 8:

"Alex, honey" Olivia said softly as she leant over the blonde the next morning "It's time to get up"

Alex mumbled something inaudible as she turned over. Olivia gave a light chuckle before shaking Alex's shoulder.

"Alex, you've got to get up" she firmer and even though Alex wasn't that much younger than she was, she felt like a mother trying to wake her daughter.

Alex groaned and opened her eyes "What time is it?"

"Nearly 8am Alex. We've got to be at the clinic by 9.30am. Go have a shower. I'd make you coffee but you know you can't eat and drink for the 6 hours before the surgery"

Alex nodded, reluctantly, and Olivia could already tell that Alex was musing about the surgery. She watched the blonde trudge to the bathroom, her body language obviously displaying her nervousness and fear.

Olivia folds the duvet across the bed, so that Alex doesn't have to worry about doing it before she heads out into the living room. She texts Casey to tell her that she'll call later when she gets news on Alex and the redhead immediately replies with

**Thanks Liv. How is she this morning? Shall I text and say I'm thinking of her? Casey x**

Olivia smiles at the redheads reply, and lets her know that Alex has just got up but is quiet. She also tells Casey not to text and that she knows she's thought of.

About 20 minutes later, Alex emerges from the bathroom, dresses and dries her hair before she walks confidently into the living room. Olivia looks up and raises a brow at the blonde who seems to be putting on the bravest front she has seen.

"What?" Alex says glaring at Olivia

Olivia shrugs before shaking her head "Nothing. Are you ready to go?"

Alex nods as she picks up her overnight bag of essentials. Locking the door, she walks down the hall, and into the elevator.

Once in the brunette's car, she begins chatting away to Olivia about nothing in particular, not giving herself a moment to breathe

"Don't you think the clouds always look like objects? I used to sit and watch them when I was younger and make up stories with what I could see. I wish it'd rain more though, I love watching the rain hit the windows, especially in the evenings. It always seems to be romantic, you know, the rain"

"Alex, breathe" Olivia says as she places a hand on the blonde's arm "You're rambling away. I know you're frightened Alex"

"I'm just talking" Alex deadpans "Don't you think that it's romantic when it rains?"

Olivia sighed as she continued to drive. She didn't know whether she should just let Alex talk or not. She wasn't sure if Alex was using this as a way to block out what was happening, and if she should answer the blonde's rambling.

She chose to just listen to Alex talk, hoping that this was what the blonde needed to get her mind away from where they were heading.

When she pulled up outside the clinic, Alex gripped her hand really tightly "You won't leave me" she says, not a question but as a statement

Olivia touches the blonde's hand covering her own "I'll be here when you wake up" she assures the blonde

Alex nods, loosening her grip on Olivia's hand as she exits the car. "Olivia, I don't think I can do this"

Olivia takes Alex's hand in her own "Yes you can. You have to"

Alex takes a steadying breath as she heads into the clinic. The walls are white, pale and boring and it smells clinical and like a hospital. Alex shudders at the feeling before she walks over to the reception desk and gives her name and appointment time.

As they take a seat Alex begins fidgeting and she picks up a leaflet, when she seems the picture of a woman with a baby, she drops it quickly and turns her head away from Olivia

"Alex?" the brunette questions "Have you thought about harvesting some eggs?"

Alex nods "I think I want to" she almost whispers

Olivia gives her a smile just as her name is called. Alex looks at Olivia, silently asking for her to come with her.

* * *

"Hello Alexandra" the doctor greets the blonde as she enters the consultation room "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay" Alex tells him hesitantly

"So, you're scheduled in for a hysterectomy. Have you got any questions you want to ask beforehand?"

Alex looks at Olivia, asking for help. Olivia addresses the doctor "I'm Olivia. I'm a friend of Alex's. Alex said she didn't really take in much at her last appointment. How advanced is the cancer, and what are her chances of making a full recovery?"

"Alexandra's cancer is in its early stages but it seems to be a fast growing cell, and that's why we would like to do a hysterectomy before it spreads. Once we've done to operation, I'd like to start her on radiotherapy as soon as possible. If that works alone, then that's great but we may need to do a few rounds of Chemo on top of that. Her chances are good, around 80%"

Olivia breathes a sigh of relief as she takes Alex's hand "See, I said that didn't I?"

Alex nods before she looks at the doctor seriously "Could I die?"

The doctor replies truthfully"You know as with all surgery there is a risk of death but it's very slim and as for the cancer, like I said, you're chances of recovery are quite high"

Alex squeezes Olivia's hand "Can I harvest some eggs?"

The doctor looks at Olivia and asks "Have you both spoken about this?"

Olivia gives a light chuckle "We're just friends. This is just for Alex's reassurance"

The doctor apologises "I'm sorry. I just assumed. That would need to be done pre-surgery and I would really like to do the surgery today but it can be done. Have you eaten Alex?"

Alex shakes her head "I was told not to"

The doctor nods and stands "I'm just going to take some blood if that's okay and then I'll see if we can find a nurse to extract some eggs"

Alex nods and lets out a relieved sigh.

* * *

Alex asked Olivia to wait outside when she went through the procedure to extract eggs from her ovaries. In the waiting room Olivia could hear the blonde's sobs, she really wanted to be with Alex and hold her hand through this but she had to respect the blonde's wishes. She gathered that the tears were because she would not be able to carry her own child.

When the procedure was finished, Olivia was called into the room and she held Alex while the blonde cried. When the nurse came around to tell Alex that they were ready to take her to surgery, she gripped Olivia hand in her own

Olivia had been worried that Alex would refuse the surgery, but was relieved that they had gotten this far. Alex holds Olivia's hand as she is wheeled to the operating theatre "You won't leave Liv?" she questions again and Olivia squeezes her hand gently

"I'll be right here" the brunette replies once again

She knows Alex is scared and she is glad that she has a good pain threshold because if she hadn't, she's sure she'd be grimacing by now as the grip on her hand is tighter than she's ever known it to be

"I'm scared Liv. Liv, if anything happens, my will is in my bureau. You're my best friend Olivia, I'm really glad I got to know you and thank you for being there for me. Can you tell the squad I said goodbye and tell Casey…" she starts to cry "Tell Casey I love her and I'm sorry"

Olivia shakes her head "You can tell her yourself" she says with a smile, knowing this will be a conversation for when Alex is awake and feeling better "You're going to be fine"

Alex doesn't respond, she just knows that she's told Olivia and that's enough for her. She closes her eyes and let's go of the brunette's hand as she is pushed through the doors into theatre.

Olivia watches the blonde go through and sinks into a chair. She runs her hand through her hair and reflects on the blonde's words. She knows that Alex is scared about dying and she knows she felt she had to say those things. She just wishes Casey had been the one to hear those words first.

**Thoughts? **


	9. Chapter 9

**I really wanted to get this chapter written and posted much earlier but it just hasn't happened and I've spent ages tweaking it, yet I'm still not 100% happy with it. I hope it's not too bad, I just seemed to lose my muse a little with this part. More of a filler and a little short, sorry. **

**I hope to be able to write better next chapter and Alex and Casey will have interaction soon, not too sure exactly how it's going to go yet, but...**

Chapter 9:

"Hi Casey. It's Liv" Olivia said into the phone a few moments after Alex had been wheeled through the theatre doors

"Liv, has she gone in?" Casey asked impatiently, you could tell by the tone of her voice that she had been waiting for news

Olivia gave a small smile, at Alex's last words and at the obvious care and concern Casey was showing "Yes, just a minute ago"

"You're staying there right?" the redhead asked, and Olivia could hear her tapping her pen on the desk as she spoke

"Yes. Casey, you need to relax" Olivia told the woman and heard her take a deep breath

"I know. Did she harvest some eggs?"

Olivia sighed before answering "Yes. Casey…" The brunette really wanted to tell Casey what Alex had said but she didn't want to upset Casey with Alex's words, in which she had believed to be her last.

"What?" the redhead enquired

Olivia shook her head to try and compose her thoughts before she replied "She'll be fine Casey, don't worry. I'll call when she comes out, or text, depends on how she's feeling"

"Okay" the redhead said, albeit reluctantly and Olivia ended the call before picking up a magazine that sat on the table beside her.

* * *

Olivia felt like she had been waiting for a long time, but in actual fact it had only been about 2 hours. The operation went well and Alex was now in recovery, waiting for the anaesthetic to wear off. Olivia wanted to know how the surgery went but because of patient confidentiality, she would have to wake until Alex woke up and was alert enough to take in the information.

She didn't want to call Casey until she knew what the outcome of the operation was, and also because she didn't want the redhead coming to see Alex until she had a chance to talk to the blonde.

Sitting beside the bed, she heard a light murmur and noticed movement from the blonde. She quickly stood up and took Alex's hand as the blonde's eyes flickered open "Liv?" she gasped out

"Hey. I'm here Alex"

"I'm not dead" Alex stated, her voice raspy and dry

"You're definitely alive Alex. I told you you'd be fine" Olivia said as Alex tried to sit up "Don't move Alex, I'll just get your doctor"

Olivia poked her head from the door and called to the doctor who said he'd be through in a moment. Alex was squinting with the light, and fidgeting slightly "Casey…" she whispered

"Do you want me to call her?" Olivia asked with a smile as she returned to the blonde side

"No" Alex said quickly before motioning to the water jug. Olivia poured her a small glass of water and when the blonde had taken a few sips she continued "I…what I said Liv"

"You said because you thought you weren't going to wake up. I know, but is it true, do you love her?"

Alex nodded as a tear slid from her cheeks "She can't know Olivia. I don't want her to know"

Olivia didn't agree with Alex's decision and wanted to discuss it a little further but the doctor chose that time to enter the room where they were residing

"Alex, it's good to see you awake. How do you feel?"

"Okay" Alex said quietly looking at the IV drip

"Have you any pain?"

"A little" Alex told him as she touched her stomach "I guess that's normal"

The doctor nodded "We'll give you some pain medication" he told her and noticed Alex's gaze switch from the IV drip to the catheter. She had been told she would need one and that if all was well, it would be removed 24 hours after surgery.

"If you have any other pain or discomfort let us know. The surgery went well Alex, and I believe we managed to extract all the cells although some may remain. We'll start you on radiotherapy in a few days"

Alex nodded and Olivia breathed a sigh of relief as the doctor left the room. She took Alex's hand and gave her a reassuring smile "It's all going to be fine"

Alex nodded but closed her eyes and took her hand from the brunette's grasp, and Olivia knew that the blonde was going to shut her out.

Sure enough when Alex opened her eyes she looks hard at the brunette and said "You can go now Olivia. I'm fine"

Olivia shook her head "I'm gonna stay a while longer Alex"

"I don't need babysitting Olivia" Alex bit out and the brunette sighed before shaking her head

"I'm your friend Alex, that's why I'm here because you wanted me to be. If you want me to go, I'll go but I'm not babysitting you Alex, not at all"

Alex nodded "Please, I just want to sleep. You go home"

"I'll be up to see you later" Olivia told the blonde "I might bring Casey"

"No!" Alex almost shouted

Olivia looked at the blonde and gave a small smile "Alex, I know you don't want to see her right now but if I try and discourage it, she'll want to know why. If I tell her you don't want to see her, it will upset her"

"I just…" Alex began and then shook her head "I don't want to see anyone. You insist on being here but if I'm honest Liv I just want to be on my own"

Olivia nodded and gave her a friend a gentle hug, awkward as it was with Alex only sitting slightly upright on the bed as not to aggravate her incision.

"I'll see you later, if you need me, call"

"I will" Alex says though she knows that unless it is an emergency, she won't be hearing from the blonde.

* * *

"Olivia!" Casey called out as she caught sight of the brunette in the bread isle of the wall-mart "What are you doing here, why aren't you with Alex?"

"She wanted to be on her own" Olivia said as way of explanation "I'm going up later. What are you doing?"

Casey furrowed her brows and then held up the chocolates "I was getting these for Alex. I'll come see her with you"

Olivia shook her head "She doesn't even want me there Casey, just give her some space"

"Is she okay?" Casey asked concerned "The surgery went well, didn't it?"

Olivia nodded and gave a small smile, in order to reassure the redhead "It went well. I don't think she's okay Casey but we need to respect her wishes. I'm going to talk to her later, I'll call"

"Please do. You know how much she means to me"

"I do"

"Olivia, I know something's going on?" Casey said as she noticed the usually confident woman trying to avoid eye contact.

Olivia wanted to tell Casey what Alex had said, but she didn't want to hurt her by telling her that Alex denied it afterwards.

"I'll call you later okay. I'll take the chocolates to her, do you want to scribble a note or something?" Olivia asked

Casey shook her head as they approached the check out, paying for the chocolates and handing them to Olivia "Just tell her I'm thinking about her okay and that I hope to see her soon"

Olivia nodded before giving the redhead a swift hug as they parted ways and headed in opposite directions.

**It was bad, I know. Sorry. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the delay, been such a busy week and my muse has been flitting about between stories, and I haven't been able to concentrate fully on this one. Warning: Mush overload, as well as some tears. **

Chapter 10:

"You know Casey cares about you too" Olivia tells the blonde as she sits in the chair beside the bed where Alex is laying

"She pity's me"

"No. Alex, Casey cares about you, she really likes you and trust me, she doesn't pity you at all" Olivia tells her, making the decision to tell Alex about Casey's selfless suggestion "She wants to carry your child"

"What?" Alex says, bolting upright before crying out in pain from the sudden and strenuous movement

Olivia jumps up, and helps Alex to lay back, "Alex, you need to rest. I'm sorry I mentioned it, and caused you distress, you don't need that"

"She wants to carry my child? Is that why you asked me about harvesting some eggs"

Olivia nods "She approached me on the subject, and Alex, it's not because she pity's you and she doesn't want you to think she's being insensitive, she knows how much you would like a child"

"How can I ask the person I love to do that though? How can she carry my child when I want her to carry our child?"

"By telling her how you feel" Olivia says, smiling inside at the blonde's words

"I can't, what if she doesn't feel the same. She probably doesn't…and then it will be awkward"

"She does" Olivia says and then gasps before shaking her head "Alex, just think about it"

Alex looks at Olivia with questioning eyes "What do you mean, she does?"

"Nothing. I just think you should tell her. Give her a ring Alex, she really wanted to come and see you"

Alex shrugs but she heard Olivia's words loud and clear.

When Olivia leaves Alex decides to call Casey, she really would like to see the redhead but she's nervous. Something inside her is doubting everything Olivia said, the fact that Casey likes her, that she doesn't pity her, she needs to hear the woman say it herself.

* * *

The next day, Alex smiles at the redhead as she enters the room, holding a bouquet of flowers, carnations and lilies in different colours. When Alex had called the previous evening, it had been late so they'd decided that Casey would come this morning.

"They're beautiful" Alex tells her, gesturing to the bedside unit where Casey places them

Casey has to steady herself from replying "Just like you" and instead ops for "I thought of you when I saw them"

Alex smiles "Thank you for coming"

"I wanted to see you yesterday but Olivia said you weren't up to visitors"

Alex nodded "Casey, Olivia told me that you want to carry my child"

Casey was shocked that Olivia had said anything, she was under the impression that it would have been better to wait, and that's only because Olivia had been worried about how Alex would see it. She gave the blonde a smile and nodded

"I want to do this for you, it was my idea. I know you want children, and you could have them, it's why I wanted Olivia to ask you about harvesting your eggs. It would be your child"

Alex began to tear up at Casey's words "You really mean that?"

Casey nodded and then hesitantly took Alex's hand in her own "I care about you Alex, a lot. I told you that before, I said you had me, and you do, as long as you need me Alex, I'm here"

"I love you" Alex blurted "Sorry"

Casey laughed before she stood, still clutching Alex's hand, she leant down and placed a gentle kiss on the blonde's lips "I love you too Alex"

Alex pulled the woman close to her, pressing their lips together in a deep and passionate kiss. The redhead was mindful of Alex's incision but it didn't prevent her from placing both hands on the blonde's cheek.

When they pulled apart Alex was crying "Casey, we can't do this"

Casey felt her heart break at the blonde's words "What?"

"We can't…I can't. I don't want you to get involved and then something happens, there's no guarantee that I'll get better, or that the Cancer won't return"

"It would hurt me whether we are involved or not Alex, I love you. I know we can't be certain that you'll make a full recovery, I know that, but I don't care, if we only have a year Alex, it's better than never having any time at all"

Alex shakes her head "Case, I can't ask you to do that, I can't ask you to carry a child for me"

"You're not asking Alex, I'm offering"

"I can't accept. Casey, I love you so much but I have to let you go. I have to let you be happy" Alex says, turning her head away from the redhead "You should go"

Casey is crying openly, as she sits back in the chair "I'm not going anywhere Alex. I don't care if you're scared, I don't care that you think you're saving me, I will not be happy without you Alex, and I'm not going anywhere"

When Olivia comes around at lunch time, she smiles at the redhead asleep in the chair, but furrows her brows when she notices both women's cheeks stained with tears. She doesn't want to wake Alex, so she gentle rouses Casey and looks at her questionably

"Are you okay Case?"

Casey shakes her head as tears began to fall once again "She told me she loves me Liv, I told her I loved her. We kissed and then she told me we couldn't do this, and told me to go"

Olivia sighs before gently touching the upset woman's shoulder "Casey"

"I love her so much Olivia" Casey sobs, and Olivia wraps her arm around the redhead in comfort

Alex opens her eyes and looks over at the redhead who is crying openly in Olivia's arms "I'm sorry" she whispers, loud enough for Olivia to hear

The brunette turns and gives Alex a disappointed shake of the head, while rubbing soothing circles on the redhead's back.

"Casey" Alex says a little louder, causing the redhead to look up "Go home"

Casey begins to cry harder and Olivia sighs "Okay, you two, that's enough. You love each other, and I know the road won't be easy with your treatment Alex, but Casey wants to be there, let her. Take things slowly, by all means but don't stop yourselves from being happy"

"I don't want her to feel obligated" Alex says and Casey laughs

"Obligated? Alex, I love you, god knows why right now, but I do, and I can't be happy without you. I want to be with you, and there for you. Maybe you aren't ready to make a decision about whether I carry children for you, but why do we have to be apart?" Casey asks, her voice raising a little in anger and annoyance

Alex shrugs and Olivia stands "You two need to talk properly. I'll be outside"

When the brunette has left the room Alex looks at the redhead, and begins to cry "I'm sorry Casey"

Casey gives the blonde a sad smile as she scoots closer to the bed, using the remote; she lifts Alex into a sitting position, careful not to hurt the woman who has recently had surgery.

"Alex, you say that you love me, but you're pushing me away. Why?"

"Because I don't want you to hate me, I'm going to be rude and snappy while I'm recovering. I have to have radiotherapy and possibly chemo as well. I'll be sick, I'll lose my hair"

"And I'll be right beside you. I know what you're going through, kind of. My Mom had Cancer Alex, she had chemo but it didn't work, her cancer was too advanced and it progressed quickly. From what Olivia's told me, you've got a high chance of recovery. 80% is pretty good Alex"

"I'm scared" Alex admits "I'm scared of the treatment, of the effects of it; I'm scared that you're going to leave, that's why I'm giving you the option now"

"I won't. Alex, I'm not going anywhere, not now and not ever. I can't promise you that one day we'll fall out of love yet I'm not saying that we need to move in together, get married…heck, we haven't even been on a date but I know that I love you. I know that I care about you, so much more than you know"

"You really mean that don't you?" Alex questions

Casey nods as she takes Alex's hand "Totally. Alexandra Cabot, will you be my girlfriend?"

Alex laughs "What are you? 12?" she squeezes Casey's hand before nodding "Yes, Casey Novak, I'll be your girlfriend"

**Aww, I needed something sweet to cheer me up LOL**


	11. Chapter 11

**I am really sorry for taking so long to update, I've just had such a busy couple of weeks and my muse was being stubborn and my emotions have been up and down, and it's just not happened the way I wanted. But, I am pleased to say that I've got a new chapter for you all. It's taken a few days to write but it's finished. So, hope you enjoy. **

Casey and Alex spent an hour talking; they discussed their hobbies, dreams, and their childhoods and found that they had quite a lot in common. The two women were starting at the opposite end, they had fallen in love before they'd really become friends.

Olivia smiled as she watched the two women laugh and talk as if they'd known each other for years, they seemed relaxed and comfortable. Olivia hoped that they'd be able to figure things out, and slowly move their relationship forward.

* * *

When the doctor came around the next day, Alex was itching to get up and move around, but her body wasn't giving her the strength she so desired. The incision from the surgery was an angry red and beginning to bruise and it hurt to sit upright, so manoeuvring from the bed to a standing position proved painful and Alex was frustrated.

She found herself crying from the pain and embarrassment, even though the physical therapist was a lovely woman who was gentle and patient. Alex was not.

"It's okay Alex; we don't expect you to be running marathons"

"But I can't even stand up!" Alex frustratingly states with a sigh

"It's going to get easier" the physical therapist, whose name was Rachel told her

Alex sighed, as she attempted to stand was again, annoyed that Rachel was holding onto her and guiding her up from the bed. All Alex needed to do at this time was get situated into a wheelchair.

"Ow!" Alex exclaimed, tears being brought to her eyes from the pain

"Take it easy, that's it"

Alex hated the patronising and gentle tone the woman was using; she wanted to be urged on, pushed to move and told to stop being such a baby about it

Casey knocked gingerly on the door, and when she pushed it open Alex turned her head to hide her tears and bit out "I can't fucking do it!"

"Hey" Casey said gently "You're doing well"

"Go away Casey" Alex almost whispered "Please"

"Alex, you can do this"

"No, I can't…it hurts Casey and I don't want you to see what a loser your girlfriend is"

Casey smiles at being called Alex's girlfriend and then takes the blonde's hand, and helps steady her, motioning to Rachel to give them a few minutes. The young woman nods and exits the room, and Casey helps Alex make the two steps across to the wheelchair, slowly lowering her and planting a kiss on her head when the blonde has got seated. She lets Alex squeeze her hand, noticing the pained look on her face and gives her a smile which Alex returns

"Thanks"

"I know you're frustrated, I know you hate being unable to do things, but you've had surgery Alex, and everyone, regardless of how strong and how independent they are, struggles. It's normal, it's natural and you don't need to be ashamed or angry at yourself"

"I just hate this. And when I start the radiotherapy and the chemo it's only going to get worse. I don't want to be an invalid"

"And you won't be. Alex, you should try and do things for yourself but you also need to realise that it's okay to need help, to ask for it"

"I know" Alex whispers

"Shall I get the therapist back in?"

Alex nods "Don't let me go alone, can you…I want you there"

Casey places a gentle kiss on Alex's forehead "I'll be with you as long as you need me to be"

"Thank you"

Casey calls Rachel back in, who smiles at the blonde in the wheelchair "You ready?"

Casey squeezes Alex's hand and the blonde manages a weak nod as she is pushed from the room.

* * *

After an intense but quick session, Alex is wheeled back to her room where Casey helps her get situated in the bed before lunch arrives.

"How are you feeling?"

"Sore" Alex mumbles

Casey raises an eyebrow "How bad is the pain Alex?"

"It's okay"

Casey shakes her head, touching the blonde's cheek and turning her so she can see her. She is shocked to see tears in the blonde woman's eyes "Oh Alex, it really hurts huh? I'll call the nurse; she'll up your pain medication"

Alex shakes her head "That just makes me sleepy and I don't want to sleep"

"You need to rest though"

Alex snaps "I know that! It's my body that's been put through hell, it's me that knows how much this hurts and it's me that chooses when I sleep and I don't need to, not right now!"

Casey bites her bottom lip, she knows that Alex is hurting and frustrated; she just wishes she wouldn't get angry with her.

Alex sighs, noticing the sad and hurt look on her girlfriends face "Case, I'm sorry. I…this is why I didn't want this…you and me…I don't want to upset you"

"I know you're in pain, and you're scared. I get that and that's fine but I'm trying to help. You don't have to shout at me"

"I'm sorry"

Casey leans down, placing a kiss on the blonde's cheek "I have to get back to work Alex, but I'll come see you later. I think Olivia said she'll come as well, is that okay?"

Alex nods, before motioning to the redhead with her finger "Come here" she whispers

Casey leans in closer and is shocked to feel lips against her own. They haven't kissed since before they decided to give a relationship a go. She freezes at first but then her brain clicks and she responds, she attempts to deepen the kiss but Alex gently pushes her away "Soon" she says with a smile "I want to be able to kiss you properly without being confined to this position"

Casey nods, steadying herself, before smiling "I love you Alex"

"Love you too Case" Alex replies "I'll see you later"

When the redhead has left Alex sighs, attempting to sit herself up, gasping in pain as she does so, but she continues until she is somewhat comfortable and closes her eyes. She doesn't want to sleep but the movement has left her a little breathless and drained.

The porter comes around with a selection of sandwiches, and Alex chooses a cheese and pickle one.

Once she has eaten Alex manages to extract the book she had been reading from her bedside table and opens it, a few chapters in, she finds herself feeling sleepy so allows herself a doze.

* * *

When Alex awakes, it's almost 4.30 and she decides to try and get herself up and moving. She manages to get herself standing, and holding her IV stand in one hand, she wheels it towards the door, resting most of her weight onto it, and gritting her teeth through the pain.

She takes a walk outside, and as she is making her way down the corridor, also using the wall for support, she is knocked flying by some young kids playing in a wheelchair.

A nurse rushes to her aid, and the pain in her abdomen is intense and gripping, causing her to cry out as she tries to move.

"Stay still Alex, I think you've ripped some stitches"

Sure enough as Alex looks down, blood is seeping through her nightshirt. She groans and closes her eyes as she's hoisted up onto a bed.

"We'll get you checked over and…" the nurse begins but is interrupted by a voice calling "Alex!"

Alex smiles slightly, at the sound of her worried girlfriend "Case" she says gently

"What happened?"

"I was taking a walk…" Alex started

"On your own? Alex, you can't just go gallivanting around the hospital by yourself, you've had surgery, you're sick and…"

"I was fine until those kids knocked me over!" Alex almost shouted, groaning in pain as she realised that the raise of her voice pulled her muscles

"You okay?" Casey asked, her tone now gentle "Sorry I kind of went off on you…I was worried"

Alex nodded as she was pushed into her room, the nurse still applying pressure to the wound. Luckily it has healed well enough that the blood loss was not substantial or rapid.

Once she was re-stitched, she furrowed her brows "Where's Liv?"

"She's on her way, she had to finish something"

Alex nodded, closing her eyes, before sighing "I was doing okay Case. I got myself up and everything, I was just walking down the corridor, when these kids knocked me over with a wheelchair"

"Alex, I didn't mean to be like that…I just, I saw you being wheeled down the hall and I was scared"

"I know" Alex says quietly

There was a knock on the door and Olivia entered, followed by Alex's doctor

"Alex, I hear you ripped your stitches" she said with a smile "Let me check them"

"How the hell did that happen!?" Olivia asked, wide eyed

"It was an accident" Casey said quietly

Olivia sighed and shook her head, before sitting down beside the bed. Casey was standing the opposite side, her hand in Alex's for support.

The doctor checked the stitches and told Alex to take it easy; she also explained that she wanted to start Alex on radiation tomorrow after a scan to determine how much cancer cells were left.

"So what happened?" Olivia questioned as soon as the doctor had left

"Alex was taking a walk and some kids knocked her over, they were mucking about with the wheelchairs" Casey explained

Olivia nodded and was worried to see that Alex was almost in tears "Alex?"

"I'm scared" Alex whispered, mainly to herself than the other women but loud enough so they heard

"Oh Al" Casey said squeezing Alex's hand "You're going to be okay"

"But what if I'm not…I'm gonna lose my hair and I'm…I just. Maybe it's better not to have the treatment"

"Without it, they won't be able to kill all the cells Alex" Olivia said, noticing Casey was a little shocked by the blonde words

"I know that Olivia, I just…maybe I shouldn't fight it" Alex says

Casey pulls her hand abruptly from the blonde's before rushing out of the room

"Why did she…?" Alex asks, looking at the door

"Maybe because you were talking about not having the treatment and letting the cancer kill you!" Olivia says huffily "Jesus Alex, think of the woman will you, she loves you and here you are talking like that"

Alex shrugs her shoulders as Olivia leaves in search of the redhead who is obviously distraught by her girlfriend's words.

**Does Alex really mean that or is she just scared? What next? Let me know what you think. Hopefully the next chapter won't take so long. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Here's the next chapter. Thank you to all that have reviewed so far, hope you continue to enjoy this story. Here we go :)**

**By the way, I am no doctor, nurse or medical expert, so anything that is not correct, I apologise for now. Don't hold any mistakes against me. **

Chapter 12:

"Casey, she didn't mean it" Olivia tries to reassure the upset redhead who is currently pacing the family room hoping that she's right. She's angry at Alex for saying those things, but she's also a little worried too.

"Didn't she? She sure sounded like it"

"She's scared Casey, she's embarrassed about needing help, and she probably, no she certainly feels like she's going to be a burden. You know Alex, she's stubborn and independent"

"Why did she have to say that though? I don't know what I'd do if she didn't have the treatment"

"Casey, come and sit down. You're going to wear a whole in the carpet" Olivia attempts to get Casey to relax, but the redhead continues to pace, her hands shoved into her pant pockets, tears on her cheeks silently falling

"I love her Olivia, more than anything. I just don't know why she'd say that"

"She's probably beating herself up in there now; it was a heat of the moment thing, brought on by fear and shame" Olivia attempted once again to relax the redhead, although her words felt empty even to herself.

"Alex is everything to me. I know that we've only just entered this relationship, but I love her Olivia, more than I've ever loved anything or anyone. I don't want to lose her, not without a fight. Alex doesn't give up, ever"

"Exactly, which is why, you're going to go back in there and talk to her, find out if she really is serious and tell her how you feel. She won't give up, trust me" once again the brunette doesn't trust herself or the words she's speaking, but she knows that if Casey walks out of here in this state, then she won't be coming back and if Alex's words were just scared ramblings, then she'll have lost the one person who loves her more than the world.

"I can't" Casey almost whispers, finally stopping her frantic pacing "I don't want her to tell me she means that"

Olivia sighs as she reaches for the redhead's hand "Come on"

As they approach the room where Alex resides, Casey stops abruptly "Can you…can you give me a minute out here?"

Olivia furrows her brows, wondering if Casey is thinking of bolting "Case, you have to do this"

"I know" Casey answers quietly "I just…I need to think about what I want to say"

"C-Casey, I-is that you?" comes Alex's voice from inside, it's obvious the blonde has been crying from how hoarse and shaky her voice is

"Go" Olivia urges as Casey steps towards the room "She wants you"

Casey nervously enters the room, Alex is propped up on a pillow, the only difference from earlier is that her cheeks are wet with the tears that were welling and her eyes are red and puffy

"Hey" the blonde says hoarsely "I'm…"

Casey doesn't let Alex finish her apology before she launches into her speech "Alex, I love you more than anything, you're special, sweet, kind, beautiful, and smart but you're stubborn and pigheaded. The Alex I know never gives up, she would never think about stopping treatment because she's scared, she'd fight it, she'd push through it and she'd come out the other side fighting. I don't know what I would do if I lost you, and I know that's a possibility, no matter how small, but it would hurt me more if I lost you and you never even tried to fight. Please, don't give up, don't hurt me anymore, I can't…I love you Lex"

Casey's eyes are rabidly filing with tears after her speech, and Alex is sobbing whole heartedly at the redheads words "I'm sorry" she finally manages to choke out "I love you too and I'm just scared, I'm not going to give up, I promise. I just…how can you still love me, when I might lose my hair, I've already lost the ability to carry a child, I'm…how can you still want me?"

Casey takes a step closer to the bed and grabs the blonde's hand in her own "Alex, I love you, because of who you are, not how you look or if you've got a womb. Listen to me, Lex. You're hair is beautiful and yes, it's going to fall out, but it will grow back and we talked about me carrying your child, and I know we haven't come to a decision about that yet but I still mean what I said"

"Casey?"

"Yeah"

"I'm sorry" Alex whispers "I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't mean to"

"I know" Casey answers, carefully wrapping an arm around the blonde's shoulders and placing a kiss on her cheek

"You really mean all that?"

"Yes" Casey replies honestly "I want to be with you, okay, and I know you're scared and that's okay but you don't need to be, I'm here and you're going to be fine"

* * *

Alex hated the scan to check how much cancer cells were left, she was scared and Casey wasn't allowed by her side. The doctor had decided that she would have external radiation, and he gathered that 2 weeks of treatment would probably be enough. He hadn't decided if Chemo would be needed, but it was increasingly unlikely that it would. Alex was relieved to hear this news, as the hair loss was a big factor in her decision to have the treatment.

While she had told Casey that she would not give up, she wasn't sure if she could follow through that kind of promise. She could deal with losing her pubic hair, as she shaved or waxed regularly anyway.

As Alex was wheeled for her first bout of treatment, she wished that Casey could be here, but the redhead was in court and the case was more important to her. Of course, she knew that if Casey knew how much it was hurting her not being there, she would drop work immediately. However Alex wouldn't be that selfish, she had to do this alone, she needed to stop being weak.

It wasn't painful, she had been told that it wouldn't be but she was still uncertain. She was relieved that it hadn't hurt but now she was feeling tired. She had been given a leaflet to look through which signalled all the possible side effects and she knew that what she was feeling was normal but it didn't really comfort her at all.

The doctor was to discharge her later that day if everything went well, and she would have to return each day. She didn't want to ask for help, but she knew she wouldn't be able to manage getting there and back on her own.

As she closed her eyes, there was a gentle knock on the door and Olivia appeared "Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Tired" Alex murmured wearily.

"That's normal" Olivia said gently "Casey sends her love"

Alex smiles slightly at that as she closes her eyes.

"Sleep if you need to Alex, I just came to see how you were doing before I went back to the precinct. The doctor tells me he's going to discharge you later, do you need a lift home?"

Alex opens her eyes sleepily before murmuring "How am I going to get here every day?"

"Would you like me to take some time from work? I have enough vacation days it should be fine"

Alex murmurs inaudibly before she drifts lightly into sleep. Olivia smiles sadly at the blonde's obvious tiredness and decides that she'll take some time to help the blonde. She knows that Casey would want to be there but she knows also that Alex will not want her to take time off for her.

When Alex wakes, her doctor is standing at the doorway with a clipboard and pen "Hello Alexandra, how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay" Alex answers truthfully, the sleep seems to have had some good effect and she feels much better

"I'm glad to hear it and pleased to tell you, I'm discharging you. Remember, you have to come in for treatment every day at midday, it will only last around 5 minutes, much like today and you'll need to stay for about an hour afterwards before you leave but it will solely be as a precaution"

Alex nods as she attempts to pull herself up into a sitting position, she is a little worried to feel pain shoot through her abdomen but the doctor sees this and reassures her "It's normal to feel some pain Alexandra. Is there anyone that can transport you to and from hospital?"

Alex is about to answer but a voice from the doorway calls "You're chauffeur is ready and waiting"

Alex looks up and sees Olivia standing with a wheelchair, a smile on her face "You ready?"

"Liv?" Alex says suppressing a smile

"All seems in order Alexandra, I just need you to sign this before you go" the doctor explains handing the blonde the clipboard and pen

Alex signs the documents, handing it back to the doctor who nods his farewell before exiting.

"Ready?"

Alex looks at Olivia and nods "Yeah, thank you"

"It's nothing. Do you need any help?"

Alex shakes her head as she manoeuvres herself so she is sitting, feet dangling by the bed. She attempts to stand, but finds her body is denying her the movement. "I might need a hand" she murmurs, her head low as a blush rises on her cheeks

"Don't be embarrassed" Olivia says gently, offering her hand, which the blonde takes. After a little help Alex has herself situated in the wheelchair. She really would like to walk, but her body doesn't want to follow orders today.

Once home, Alex decides to sleep a little while. Olivia was unable to take the wheelchair from the hospital and Alex had been told she had to be mobile as much as physically possible. Getting from the car to her apartment had been tiring and Alex was a little annoyed at herself, although deep down she knew that everything was normal.

Olivia offered to stay for a little while, and told her that Casey would be over later. Alex had smiled at this news, but got annoyed when Olivia had told her that Casey wanted to stay the night in case Alex needed help.

After a heated discussion, Alex had conceded, realising that she would indeed need some help. She wasn't happy but she understood and was grateful that she had a girlfriend and best friend like Casey and Olivia.

**Reviews very welcome as always :) xx**


	13. Chapter 13

**I am really sorry for taking so long to update. I have just been extra busy and my muse wasn't letting me write Alex/Casey to the ability I wanted. However, this chapter is now complete and I am relatively pleased with how it's turned out. **

**Thank you to all those that have reviewed, keep them coming, good or bad, I strive to hear what you think. **

**So without further ado, here we go. **

Chapter 13:

"Hey. How are you feeling?" Casey asked as she stepped into the blonde's apartment

"I'm good" Alex answered as she shut the door and secured the lock behind her.

"How was the treatment?"

"How do you think it was Casey? Oh, yes, it was lovely, all sunshine and roses. As if?" Alex almost shouted.

Casey swallowed and nodded, trying to hide the tears she felt welling. She was nervous as hell about being around Alex in the blonde's home, the relationship was still in the shallow waters, and Casey didn't know how to act.

"Sorry" she choked out, turning away from the blonde and heading into the kitchen for some water "Can I get some water?"

Alex looked at the redhead and berated herself for being so snappy. She wasn't angry; she was just tired, scared and hated feeling vulnerable and weak. This was why she had been hesitant to begin with.

"Casey?"

"What?" Casey said blinking a couple of times and lowering her head

Alex approached the redhead gently, and touched her chin, lifting it with her finger "I'm sorry. I know you were just asking a question. I'm not making excuses, I shouldn't have snapped. I'm just…"

"Its okay" Casey murmured "I didn't think. Of course the treatment was awful"

"It wasn't really. It was the afterwards. I'm so tired, I could just sleep the day away but I have to go again tomorrow and then the day after and the day after that"

"How are you getting there each day?"

"Liv's going to take some time off, the treatment only lasts five minutes but I have to stay an hour after each session"

Casey nods at this news, glad that Alex has someone to help. She'd offer herself but she knows she's needed at the DA's office, especially now Alex is out.

"What would you like to do now Al? Have you eaten?"

Alex shrugged and then shook her head "I was feeling a little nauseous. But I could manage something small; I'm quite hungry actually though I'm sure that will soon change"

Casey gave a small smile, unsure of what to say. She hated that Alex was going through this, and she didn't really know how to comfort the blonde. She was scared of saying the wrong thing, and although she knew Alex didn't mean to get angry, she didn't want it to happen again.

"How's soup sound? Have you got soup? Or I could see what you've got and make some from scratch or something else"

"Casey, relax. I've got some tinned soup. Tomato and I think I might have Chicken. Would that do you?"

Casey nodded as Alex entered the kitchen and began moving pots and pans. Casey wanted to offer to help but she didn't want Alex to moan about not being an invalid.

"Can…Can I do anything?" she says quietly

Alex notices the hesitation and gives a small smile before nodding "You could butter some bread if you'd like?"

* * *

A little while later Alex is resting on the couch while Casey is taking a shower when she begins to feel quite sick. Without thinking, she bounds from the couch and into the bathroom where she throws up into the toilet bowl. It isn't until she looks up that she sees a very naked Casey looking shocked and concerned while still in the shower.

"You okay?"

Alex blinks and nods, but her brain isn't telling her to speak

"You sure?" Casey queries

Alex nods again, and then shakes her head "Case?"

Casey looks down at herself before blushing and grabbing a towel, wrapping it around herself.

Alex turns her head, snapping out of a daze before groaning.

"You sure you're okay?"

Alex looks up, her own cheeks tinted with her embarrassment, at being sick and seeing Casey naked.

"Um. I feel better than I did. I'm sorry for bursting in here like that. I um, forgot you were…you know"

Casey blushed again and nodded; tying the towel a little tighter as she consciously passed the blonde and offered her hand.

Alex took it and followed Casey back into the living room. The redhead commanded Alex to sit while she got her some water and a blanket.

"You just rest while I dress, I won't be five minutes"

Alex nodded and allowed herself to relax taking a sip of water, eager to rid herself of the taste of vomit yet not wanting to overdo it.

A short time later, Casey appeared in her silk pyjamas, causing Alex to swallow noticeably, her throat becoming dry. "Hi" she murmured

Casey furrowed her brows "What?"

"You're beautiful" Alex said with a smile, opening her arms as Casey settled beside her on the couch.

"So are you?" Casey replied shuffling so that she was lying on the blonde "Is this okay?"

Alex nodded "It's perfect"

"You'll tell me if it gets uncomfortable?" Casey asked

"I promise" Alex assured the redhead

Within 15 minutes Alex was asleep, and Casey checked the clock. It had only just turned 8.30pm so she decided to let Alex sleep before trying to wake her to transfer her to the bed.

By 9.15 however, Casey herself was struggling to keep her eyes open and decided she had better wake Alex. It can't be comfortable sleeping upright, even if it's an expensive couch and she's being comforted by her girlfriend.

"Alex, sweetie"

"Hmm, what time is it?"

"About a quarter past nine. Let's get you into bed okay?"

"Okay" Alex mumbles

Casey helps the blonde to stand leads her into the bedroom, pulling back the covers and settling Alex underneath them. As she turns to leave, a hand catches her elbow and she looks into sad and uncertain eyes

"Stay here"

Casey doesn't know if that's a good idea. The night has been strange and testing and Casey isn't sure she can be this close to Alex or if they're moving too fast. Of course, she knows they'll only sleep and that Alex isn't strong enough for anything more but she knows her body and she knows how it reacted earlier.

"Please"

Casey relents, hearing the pleading tone that Alex has used. Crawling under the covers she places a kiss to Alex's cheek "Night"

"Hold me"

Casey smiles and pulls the blonde carefully into her arms, stroking her hair lightly "Sleep baby. I love you"

"Love you too" Alex says before yawning and closing her eyes.

It takes less than five minutes for her to return to the slumber she had been in and Casey joins soon after.

* * *

The next morning, Casey awakes at 6am and once she has untangled her limbs from Alex's without waking the blonde, she takes a shower before calling Olivia.

"Benson"

Casey smiles at the brunette's standard way of answering the phone. Always in work mode.

"You have caller ID Liv, can't you answer the phone like a normal person?"

Olivia laughs "I'm not normal though"

"Oh yeah, I forgot" Casey chuckles

"Everything okay?"

Casey can hear the concern in Olivia's voice and is pleased that Alex has someone like Olivia she can rely on

"Yeah, everything's fine. I was just calling because I have to go to work but Alex is still sleeping, she had a restless night, although she probably won't admit it but she was tossing and turning a lot. I don't want to wake her but I know you'll be over about 11, so maybe if you give her a call about 9 to make sure she's up. I'll leave a note for her, but I'm in court all morning"

"Okay, I will do. Thanks for letting me know"

Casey thanks Olivia before hanging up and scribbling a note for the blonde, before kissing her gently on the forehead and heading out.

At 8.40am, Alex wakes and furrows her brow seeing the time. She notices the note beside the bed and smiles when she reads it

_Good Morning Beautiful,_

_I didn't want to wake you, you need the rest and don't argue with me. I know it's going to be tough again today but remember, I'm thinking of you and I love you loads. Olivia will call you at 9am to make sure you're awake. I have court all morning, but I'll call you later. _

_Chin up, you're going to be fine. Love you, Alex, with all my heart. _

_Love, Casey xx_

The note is adorned with hearts, flowers and smiley faces, and the room is filled with scent of Casey's perfume.

Feeling the tears welling in her eyes, Alex decides to call Olivia to save the brunette the trouble and also wanting a shower and not to be disturbed.

"Benson"

"Liv, I wish you'd answer the phone like a normal person. You have caller ID"

Alex furrows her brow at the laughter coming from the other end

"Sorry" Olivia gasps out "Casey said the same thing this morning, but as I reminded her, I'm not normal"

"I forgot" Alex chuckles causing Olivia to burst into laughter again

"She said that too"

Alex smiles "Okay, I thought I'd call to save you the trouble at 9. I'm up"

"Noted" Olivia says still chuckling, pleased that Alex seems to be in a happier and brighter mood this morning "You sound happy"

"Casey left me the most adorable note; remind me to buy flowers before I get home later"

**Drama begins in the next chapter. **

**Won't leave it too long to update I hope. **


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